Daily #83: Self-confidence

I, like many other people, struggle and have struggled with my self-confidence. I don’t think there are many people out there that haven’t thought they’re not good enough at one point or another.

It’s a fickle thing, I’ve found. One moment, you’re ready to face anything. You’re happy with how you are, what you look like, and what you’re going to do. Then something happens. You see yourself reflected at a weird angle, or you simply remember something that you did ‘wrong’ a couple of months ago. And your carefully constructed castle of confidence comes crashing down.

I have no answers. I’m not writing a self-help blog – mainly because my own self-help consists of lucky breaks and what seems like some kind of benevolent gremlin waving a magic wand at my self-esteem. I only recount my experiences, as you might have noticed.

Anyway, I’m visiting this topic because recently, my self-esteem has surged like Tesla’s stocks. For some reason, I feel a lot better about myself on a daily basis, and have recently started posting pictures of myself on Instagram.

I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but prior to that I had seven profile pictures on Facebook in the six years I’ve used it; only five of them contain my face and two of them were from the last three months (when I started to feel better about myself). So posting four pictures of myself in three days – on a public website, no less – is unheard of. (You can follow me with the buttons below!)

I had to think for a while about what stopped me before. The main reason is due to school. I didn’t like high school much, primarily for the social aspect. Back then, posting pictures of yourself online made you ‘vain’ (especially as a girl), and considering I was decidedly uncool, there was no way I could muster up the courage to put myself out there like that. Even once school ended, I was still reluctant to put images of myself online – just in case ‘someone’ from school saw them.

Finally, I think I’ve managed to get over that hurdle. I don’t care what the people from school think – I’m happy being me. If someone I used to sit in the same classroom as finds my Instagram account and thinks I’m embarrassing myself by showing off my cat-ear headphones, I couldn’t care less.

However, it does come with a certain amount of ‘mental maintenance’ as I like to call it. When I say that, I mean that sometimes I almost have to argue with myself to make sure I believe what I just said. Things like:

  • Reminding myself that I do look beautiful when I look in the mirror.
  • Keeping my mind in check when it starts to imagine what other people think of me.
  • Holding my head high when I decide to wear something a bit more unusual.
  • Taking photographs of myself even when I don’t really want to.
  • Looking at those photographs like I look at photographs of other pretty girls. Not picking up on the little things.

There are plenty more, but I can’t always pick them out as I do them automatically. It’s about convincing myself to keep my mind in check, so I can continue to be me.

Soon, I think I’ll write some posts about my journey with social anxiety, because I think it could perhaps help some people.

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